The Struggle

Wahoo. I just finished working on the organization list for the whole batch. Grabe. I never imagined typing this much would be hard! VERY VERY HARD! Harder than studying for an Econ Test!

I am fully aware that this is part of my job as documentation committee member for the yearbook and I do not really regret being a member of that committee but I tried to analyze what brought me to this very difficult situation of having to cram (yes, cramming for a deadline I set myself in the middle of the summer vacation!) whereas I could have easily divided the work the past few weeks where all I did was sleep and read and play (Holy Week not included :p)

I realized it would be more beneficial for me if I looked back beyond the past weeks of summer and focus on the whole 4-year Pisay experience. I know that Pisay has changed me a lot but I haven't really given thought to what exactly it has changed in me. This will take a long time to finish but it's an endeavor worth taking. I need to know myself well before I enter the confusing realities of college life.

So far, I have admitted to myself that I've become someone who works well under pressure to someone who works ONLY under pressure; that I've turned from someone who plans and sticks to that plan to someone who is flexible with its implementation or sometimes outright reactionary; that I've changed from being a great preparation person who makes sure nothing will go wrong to being a great on-the-spot problem solver. Extreme changes don't you think?

Back in grade school, cramming was not even part of my vocabulary. The teacher gives us a project one day, I finish it the next day with a perfect score and a lot of bonus points. But when we were exposed to the battery of homeworks, long tests and projects with greater levels of difficulty, time was transformed from being a luxury to a scarce commodity. I could still try to submit early but only at the expense of losing time for some other requirement. I feel relieved that I somehow struck the balance the whole four-years since I submitted every work on time (except the Science Scholar!). I couldn't have done so if cramming was still not part of my tools. Time management and prioritization really didn't suffice when time was just insufficient and everything was on the same level. The tactic was to be reactionary - getting ahead was just too costly. I study only what is necessary and indulge my intellectual curiousity when nothing is at stake any more.

The constant weight of academic and extra-curricular life in Pisay trained me how to deal with stress - not to fear it but use it as a weapon. I've always been proud of the fact that I work better under pressure. Sometimes, I deliberately constrict time allotment for a project so that it would end up better in the end (and would actually be more fulfilling)- which usually happens. The problem is I got so used to it, sometimes, unconsciously, I seek that pressure to motivate me to work. For example, there's a lab report due on a Monday and it's just a Friday. The grade-school me would react by working on the lab report on a Friday and hope that I finish it early so it won't consume my whole weekend (which sometimes happens). The high-school me would do the opposite. Relax and unwind Friday night to Saturday afternoon, preview the work ahead Saturday night and actually work on it Sunday. Without the pressure of "wow, one day na lang pala", I wouldn't push myself to work.

Before I came to Pisay, I would take every step to make sure everything is ready for an activity (this usually applies with my extra-curricular stuff like the school paper or student council). But because of the scarcity of time in Pisay, elaborate preparation turned from necessity to luxury. And near the end of my stay in Pisay, I find myself struggling to push myself to invest more time in preparing. The good side is combined with my propensity to work better under pressure, any problem encountered was just easier to solve. Fortunately, this has never happened but I'm sure there will come a moment where there is a problem that's just impossible to addrees except if I had prepared for it.

So, my struggle now is to be able to control these new "abilities". Sure, these gave me an edge in Pisay but will it be a liability in the next stages of my life? I feel that this summer I must learn to establish a switch so that I could revert from one attitude to the other.

I also believe that setting-up that conscious switch ability would be important if I will survive the totally different environment of college life. I am confident God will guide me closely in this next stage and I trust He will help me fix this problem.

Amazing what typing for almost a week can make you realize.

ILC entry next na talaga. hahaha.